Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
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(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.