Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
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I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
Took my son fishing and as I was carefully baiting the hook he came up to me with a minnow he caught in a ziplock bag and said ‘daddy you’re trying too hard’.
coroner: [pulling sheet over dead man] he’s gone
me: whoa magic
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving