Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie

*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*

Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket

[taco bell 2am]

*lethally stoned*

me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”

Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?

It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.

Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join

Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling

Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang

My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.

gf: i’m leaving you

me: is it because i act like i know everything?

gf: yea-

me: i knew it

I’m listening

✌️

[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*

I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?

I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.

When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”

There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?

Me: How was school?

Toddler: Candice has a different mom.

Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.

New friend- What do you do for a living?

Me- Disappoint my family.

A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”

I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..

and softly whisper…

“I’ll do your housework for you”

Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder

Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.

Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend

*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME

We’re gonna party like its 1999.

//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//

Dr: You have palpitations

Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?

Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA

Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]

Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.

So, just me? Okay.

Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure

A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”

1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”

thank god the sign was there

Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.

Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit

Me: ok

*nun screams*