Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
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[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
Every time I tell my lab puppy to “drop it!” I hope it’s going to be a rock or a Hot Wheels car or a piece of mulch and not a whole live frog like it was last week
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.