Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
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At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
Whoa 😂
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
When we’re old the children will use covid to explain our brain damaged opinions much like we do to boomers with lead. It is fate
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.