Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: hello darkness my old friend

darkness: friend is a strong word

*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night

Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough

[sitting around a bonfire]

Friend: This is so peaceful

My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”

Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ

Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,

It really ruins the vibe when you’re sharing a hilarious story from your childhood and people are like “omg that’s horrible” or “do you want my therapist’s phone number?”

Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.

Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂

“Sure, I get it!”

– Me, not getting it

It’s so funny that people directly compare Dune and Furiosa when all that they have in common is that there’s sand

cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED

Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.

Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?

Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”

The difference between a songbird and a hummingbird is that one of them knows the lyrics.

I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba

Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart

I guess we don’t have a roomba

Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?

They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.

🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…

A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants

[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya

Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.

If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.

If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.

[first day as flight attendant]

me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE

passengers: *screaming*

pilot: yes I do

me: ohthankgod

I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better

carrying too many items]

store clerk: would you like a basket

me: no thanks my arms are full.

I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.

My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.

That moment of panic when they invite you inside at the start of the birthday party you thought was a drop off.