Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.

It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.

Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else

Not my sister’s dog looking like a 13yo girl who just got grounded for texting during class

duolingo: he is a boy

me: él es un niño

duolingo: she is a girl

me: ella es una niña

duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious

me: puedo—wait

I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.

[first day as a teacher]

*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”

[the lamaze class seems confused]

They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.

I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.

me: lol THAT’S your sword?

enemy: this blade can cut through steel

me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot

*At an auction*

Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬

Host: What now? 🤨

Me *bids farewell*

Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey

Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*

Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.

[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*

Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”

Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.

Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?

[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]

Black cat: You got me boss

I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen

The worst part of all-you-can-eat buffets are all the witnesses

11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house

I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!

What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination

Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.

I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field

My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.

I fell off a podium in front of 200 people after doing a reading at my uncle’s funeral, hobbled back to my pew with a swollen sprained ankle, sat down turned to my son and he asked me for a snack

*literally any business fails*

journalist: ahh yes, the millennials

[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.

[robbing a bank]

Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go

Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit

[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves

Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?

The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.