Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
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My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
The ’90s were a time of blissful ignorance where we expected rock stars to sleep with groupies.
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
My ideal workday would be from 9:00 AM to 9:07 AM
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably