Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
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Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
“listen to your body” ok but my body stopped talking to me after I tried to cure my depression with donuts
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
What a year we’ve had this week.
“you have to sleep when the baby sleeps” but that’s when i go through the baby’s phone ???
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.