Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: sorry for speeding officer

cop: you’re parked

me:

cop: in the intersection

me: I can smell your thoughts

cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles

warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?

me: yes, a final film

warden: ok, what do you want to watch

me: *smiles wide* the neverending story

[107 minutes later]

me: ok, that’s bullshit

Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.

You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real

I have three kids: a 14-year-old, an 11-year-old, and an imaginary child who is actually to blame for everything the other two get accused of.

Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.

Don’t tell me to trust my gut. Thats where I put my snacks. Clearly that’s where I’m the weakest

buys donuts instead

GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol

ANGEL: What

GOD: Cat snake lmao

Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr

Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.

I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand

[ugly sweater contest]

*starts sweating*

*takes home the gold*

I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.

When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:

‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’

“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.

wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap

slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.

Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.

[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”

If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost

You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.

We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.

There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.

If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.

MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*

ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*

MAGICIAN: holy shit

I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?

When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.

Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.

God: *creates oceans*

Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL

God: Get out