Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
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I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
They should invent a self-checkout where someone else scans the items and puts them in a bag.
When someone asks me if my twins are natural I tell them no they’re robots.
“Don’t you people have jobs?” — Me yelling at everyone for driving around on a Tuesday afternoon while I’m driving around on a Tuesday afternoon.
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
Bike for sale
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.