Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
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Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
ACED my prostate exam!
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
Classic German Shepherd 😂
Do you think the courtroom bench ever comes loose and the judge is like “wait I actually have the tool for this”
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
KFC hitting the cannibal market
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”