Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
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A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
Time for evil
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
“I’m two bingo numbers away from winning a turkey,” is the most erotic thing I said aloud today.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
why do chefs always have to cut everything so fast. It’s just an onion man why don’t you relax
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
Not😆🤣
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.