Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
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It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
Bartenders are just boneless bars
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
Guy trying to flirt with me: I just can’t understand how someone like you doesn’t have a boyfriend.
Me: Here, does this help?
*turns and walks away*
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
beware of dog
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.