Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law

ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me

Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits

Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.

Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke

You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.

But I don’t suggest you point.

i’ve found my new favorite subculture

i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”

Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”

would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this

I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.

My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.

I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?

I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.

FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?

ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.

Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing children

My mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…

Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.

I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.

the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram

Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.

The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO

Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.

My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.

Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.

🤷🏽‍♀️🤦🏽‍♀️😩

For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.

If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.

Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.

clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note

airline: you need to pay to check luggage.

passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.

airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.