Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
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Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
I can still remember that one Memorial Day weekend when I had too much to drink and cooled off in my neighbor’s birdbath ten minutes ago.
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
Person: Home decor is a niche market.
Me: Baked flan with a savory filling thickened with eggs is a quiche market.
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
bartender: what are you having mate
guy who speaks in amazon product titles: yea can i get 2 Beer Beverage, Beer Cans, Portable Alcohol Beverage, Party Tailgate Birthday Event | Catering | Drinking Supplies | Aluminium, Silver (2-count)
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.