Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
You Might Also Like
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
I can easily spot a wolf in sheep’s clothing but this guy was dressed like my grandmother which threw me off
bartender: pick your poison
wicked witch of the west: water
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
Airport police say that the number of people smuggling helium balloons in their luggage is under control.
But cases continue to rise.
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
DEESCALATE is the perfect word to yell to escalate any situation.
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
working at a bank sounds so funny, what do you mean your company has 10,000 vice presidents
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Pee pressure > peer pressure
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP