Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
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announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
My 6yo announced from the bathroom that he has good news and bad news, how scared should I be
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house