Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
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INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
when I bought these the cashier gave me a promo code for Better Help
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
Any room can be an escape room when you have diarrhea
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
“OMGJK” -atheists