Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
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My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
Seas the day!!!!
“Please enter the 6-digit code we have just sent to your device”
Well hold on there just a minute. Someone has just texted me
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
They ALWAYS scream at you when it’s raining like it’s your fault😂
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
I won’t rest until a cure for insomnia is found.
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
hackers play passwordle
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.