Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth

Questions my toddler asked me this week:

– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?

How about your kid?

Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.

GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol

ANGEL: What

GOD: Cat snake lmao

Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99

Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99

Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.

when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:

Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?

Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.

hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard

i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?

I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.

Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?

Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.

I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit

Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous

*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*

*at the pot store*

Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin

I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.

My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.

trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”

[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?

hamster: no

A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away

My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.

Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?

Me: What did you learn about at school?

10-year-old: States.

Me: What did you learn about them?

10: That there’s too many.

“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.

Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.

Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.

me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003

in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,

[pulled over]

Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it

Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up

everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.