Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
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DATE: I like guys who show their sensitive side
ME [through mouthful of ice cream] this hurts my teeth
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
Just saw a five year old in a track suit & a gold chain. His nana didn’t think it was funny when I asked him if he could hook up some blow.
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
(At Target buying tampons)
10 yr old son: Oh, YOU get something for yourself but I don’t get anything!
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.