Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
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Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didnโt even know she was a cop.
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our carโฆ.Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
Whisper out to librarians!
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I donโt have to put on pants
Iโm the Usain Bolt of running late
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
me: (11 pm) ๐ด
me: (1 am) ๐ด
me: (3 am) ๐ด
me: (5 am) ๐ด
me: (7 am) ๐ณDAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
I wrote โI loathe โ and ac finished it with โpeopleโ. Iโm gonna marry my phone.
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
venmo me $5 and i will find your exโs hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
Thatโs just how Julius Caesar.
Iโm not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
Iโm sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
โ ๐ง๐ต๐ถ๐ ๐๐๐ฒ๐ฟ ๐ถ๐ ๐น๐ผ๐๐ ๐ฎ๐ ๐๐ฒ๐ฎ
If I saw 99 red balloons go by Iโd probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.