Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.

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DATE: I like guys who show their sensitive side

ME [through mouthful of ice cream] this hurts my teeth


I will punch you in the face.

OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.


“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.


JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.


Just saw a five year old in a track suit & a gold chain. His nana didn’t think it was funny when I asked him if he could hook up some blow.


For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.


(At Target buying tampons)

10 yr old son: Oh, YOU get something for yourself but I don’t get anything!


SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?

ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.


So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.