Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.

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Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”


What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?

She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.

The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.


Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??



MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!


Waitress: Would you like an omelet?

Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…


sorry son. I know u had ur heart set on college but Grandma had to throw her massive diamond into the ocean to deal w some emotional stuff


I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there


Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside


I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves