Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
You Might Also Like
why did we replace harmless white lies with therapy talk? i don’t need an essay about how you’re setting boundaries so you can’t make it tonight, just say your stomach hurts
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later