Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.

[haunted house]

Me: I’m terrified

Jessica: is it the rattling chairs

Erica: is it the bleeding doors

Sarah: is it the possessed portraits

Kate: is it the shaking coffins

Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before

My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.

I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.

Truth

After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.

Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.

[teaching teen to drive]

Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.

Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?

Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*

You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.

ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs

Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE

My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.

Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails

Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that

If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.

I just ran a .003048K

[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.

Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.

Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy

Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus

Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆

DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.

But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?

so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july

LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.

Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?

mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son

I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.

[homeschooling]

ME: what is 345 minus 127?

DAUGHTER: 218

ME: *filling out tax form* thanks

Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart

I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.

I don’t know why Apple is charging me 7.99 , 3.99 and 10.99 and I will never know. frankly that is none of my business