Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong

Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.

CW: My phone says 81.

Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.

[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon

me: any clue how my house burned down

detective: fireworks

me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does

Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.

Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.

I’ve got to start taking better care of myself. Tomorrow I’ll walk to the liquor store.

“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.

I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.

me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM

me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM

Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.

ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris

I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.

owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island

9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.

9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*

Why my coworker hates me:

He sends meeting invite for 2pm.

I propose new time of 2:03.

He revises, sends update.

I decline meeting.

Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year

I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”

Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife

Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.

Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.

Little Red: I’m going to grandmas

Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy

Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?

Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun

Me: How do I beat the bully?

Dad: Just punch him

Me: I am not doing that

Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him

Me: So like an uppercut?

My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.

Cat: What are you doing?

Me: Nothing.

Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.

Me: No

Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.

Me: No way.

How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.

Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.

Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.

Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.

When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”