Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming

Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.

Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby

so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?

me:

taco:

me:

taco:

me: he’s shy.

CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love

HADDAWAY: shit

7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.

Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.

13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.

Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.

Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies

Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating

Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it

Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets

Therapist: absolutely not

Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.

why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex

Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.

Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.

Anyone know what emoji I can use for “no mum, I don’t remember the woman who lived 4 doors down from us 36 years ago who had no neck”? x

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”

shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating

rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*

shaggy: this is serious she has me on video

rikrok: say it wasn’t u?

shaggy: ok i’m gonna go

“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”

Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot

Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster

There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.

Wait – my gym moved?

In 1997?

me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]

I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills

Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.

Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.

You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry

December 1st:
Smoked a cigar

December 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth

[anniversary dinner]

HER: tell me something that will make my heart race

ME: my credit card got declined

(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like

Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?

Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.

Kylo:

Leia:

Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?

Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner

First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?