Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
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Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
Saying “my body is a temple” is for people with money. When you’re poor, your body is a car. Like no it’s not supposed to be making that noise.
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
How actors in movies eat their food
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.