Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
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I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
Bought a house plant so I wouldn’t be the only one dying of dehydration around here
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
Absolute fiend for dumbass plot devices in fantasy stories. I love it when there’s some stupid magic orb that fixes everything, you just need to find it.
“The kingdom is in peril! Champion, you must find the Cube of Fix Precisely This Specific Problem.”
I will snort it like snow.
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!