Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My goal is to spend no more than $7 from now until January

A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.

Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.

I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.

The cake is mightier than the sword.

*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*

When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.

i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars

It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.

Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.

Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get

I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged

I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there

little girl: he was a gift

horse dentist: then I cannot help you

💀

Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?

Me: She will usually tell you.

Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.

How to get me to like you:

Be pajamas.

[Next door dog barking]

Me: *inserts earpugs*

[Barking intensifies]

Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*

8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening

Me: you will inherit everything I own

My dad told me a guy who claimed to be the drummer for steppenwolf stole his wallet in the Sacramento airport so I pulled up a picture and he was like “wow that’s the guy”

My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.

I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”

Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.

Wife: actually I’m holding my son.

Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?

Wife: oh god.

Kidnapper: what?

Wife. you have my husband.

as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree

Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something

Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all

Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”

BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder

Me: Hey, do you want to –

My 13 Year Old: No.

My favorite oxymorons:

1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.