Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[McDonald’s drive thru]

ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke

HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?

Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.

They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.

When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?

…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda

someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it

Selfie

Why it’s so many prime days?

They broke ?

This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.

*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH

You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid

Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks

ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best

A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.

The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.

Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eaten

Wife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying me

Wife: I Love You
Me: I already ate

I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”

PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.

My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.

My 4-year-old just monologued at me for 25 minutes, paused, and then said “Can I tell you something?”

*puts on new Fitbit*

*steps on scales*

Welp, this is bullshit!

“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”

“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats

[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!

My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house

My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.

“No!”

-An A to Z guide to parenting.

Google assistant rules

Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?

I know everything is expensive right now, but just remember correcting people’s grammar online is still free.

Music – rock band

Jehovah’s Witness – knock band

Boats – dock band

Lip synched – mock band

Athletes – jock band

Safe cracker – lock band

Puppet – sock band

Clock maker – tock band

Chicken – b’gok band

Rooster – cock band

BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?

SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.