Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
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20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
anyone else like Italian cereal
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome