Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as a detective]

me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?

zz top: yes sir

me: and she knows how to use them?

zz top: that’s right

me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning

doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news

wife: [crying]

me: that’s a spicy meatball

Body: I need water.

Me: Diet Coke?

Body: No, water.

Me: Wine?

Body: NO, WATER!

Me: Coffee it is.

I stopped my pig from eating a penny.

I don’t know why.

I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.

oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’

woman protagonist, written by a man: i looked in the mirror. i wasn’t beautiful. but i was fine with that. my hair is brown, and i am 35. but i wont let that kill me

her: [during roleplay] come get me

me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me

My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.

Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.

If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!

My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.

Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?

Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.

It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.

boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude

What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids

What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use

I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.

In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.

Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice

The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.

Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*

T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!

Doctor: How big were its horns?

T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*

Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.

Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*

[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?

Me: *backs out of driveway*

MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?

EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom

Me, literally climbing out of a dumpster: Can I give you some personal advice?

Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore

Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf

me: *drops banger tweet

them: ha! this is funny, I wonder why he doesn’t have more followers

me: *drops another tweet

them: oh, I see

Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:

If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.