Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
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Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
Mummies are just super modest zombies
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
HR says I have to stop switching people’s vapes with kazoos.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
cat faces on other animals, a thread
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
It’s October 8th and we’ve already purchased Halloween costumes for both kids. If they actually end up wearing them, I’m giving each of you a king size snickers.
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?