Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
You Might Also Like
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
Crowdstrike : its fine u just have to manually visit the PC boot it into safe mode and remove a sys file
US Organization with 50,000 pcs and a completely outsourced IT department in Bangalore : what
but if i put my laundry away, the laundry chair will be out of a job
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
When I was little I asked my dad if I was adopted.
Dad: LOL! Why in the world would we have chosen you?
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
It doesn’t really matter who wins today as long as both candidates tried their best and had fun.
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
*apocalypse happens*
My kids: This place doesn’t have any wifi?
Me: No place has any wifi.
My kids: Ugh. This is the worst apocalypse ever!
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
Friday
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.