Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
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We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
Verizon: your online bill is ready
Me: ok. for what
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
rest in peas
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?