Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
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If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes throughout my house.
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
gender is a just a scam made by big bathroom companies to sell more bathrooms
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.