Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think Neptune can hear the YouTube video my son is watching.

We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?

Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?

LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*

I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.

Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.

“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.

I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”

[Pokémon Pitch]

Writer: pet training with wild animals

Exec: thats already a thing

Writer: kids are the trainers

Exec: seems irresponsible

Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something

Exec: why

Writer: unclear

Exec: tight

Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.

Texting random numbers “It’s done.”

I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.

Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me

me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?

moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.

If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”

See how stupid that sounds?

*hits bong*

*abuses bong*

*bong calls bong protection agency*

*bong custody taken*

*bong put in foster home*

*bong misses old life*

Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*

So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”

I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.

Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.

Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby

I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.

[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to

My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?

Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.

SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery

[me 3 months later]

I think he had a brewery

Dear Tech Support,

I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?

[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we

birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot

85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon

the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener