Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?

Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving

Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band

The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.

Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.

Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING

When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations

Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it

Me: I’m not surprised

Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk

Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!

Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.

*drinks beer from my glass slipper*

Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup

If I had two brownies, I’d give you one

little corner off of one

Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.

My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.

To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?

The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.

[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way

Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today

Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.

Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.

GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!

HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first

ME: You’re not really my type though

Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.

My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?

i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports

[Psychiatrist’s Office]

ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?

PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.

the answer was staring at me all along

Here’s a picture of the beautiful bonsai that died right after I got it. Ah, too bad but at least I’ve got this great picture of it. Picture, where’s the picture? Fuck!

If they are stale enough you could easily kill two birds with one scone

If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.

TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS

*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick

I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.

This hospital has everything