Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
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I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
Not😆🤣
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
So how much budgie food do you actually want?…
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
When I bought a new carpet my dog become a shark
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
I will never stop laughing at this
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.