Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.

Starting all my work emails today with, “to whom it’s about to concern”.

If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?

me: can i buy animal crossing

mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free

Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?

Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”

Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?

tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell

Valentine’s Day tip for the men:

If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.

You’re welcome

you can only post this today

Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers

i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that

I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.

love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face

I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.

2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?

Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.

4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?

My wife:

Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.

Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.

“Mummy, you look pretty today.”

If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.

A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:

Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.

Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..

If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.

Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you

My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.

She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.

I’ll handle zombies.

“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years

Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.

6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken

😳

If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.

Coworker: What’s twitter like?

Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.

I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.

Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.

I need to wipe.

[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself

My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction

“What attracted you to our company?”

Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work