Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
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I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
I found your tweet-up…
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
When you keep wishing for a good man but all you find is a severed arm washed up on the beach
I can remember all the lyrics to “Bohemian Rhapsody” but cannot remember a 15 character tweet while exiting the shower.
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Can we please stop with the travel hack of booking seats on the aisle and window in the hope of having a spare seat in between? As a solo traveller who has now been stuck in between these travel hackers it sucks. Talking over me, passing snacks over me etc. Just sit together.