Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
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I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
“Okay Benjamin, now I need you to go outside, point your nose up at the sky, and slowly start turning around. I’ll yell when I get a good signal.”
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
mariah carrie
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism