Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you find yourself in a really awkward conversation do what I do; put your pants back on and leave.

Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.

I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.

Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.

Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”

Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”

I don’t work out to lose WEIGHT to look HOTTER. I work out to lose WEIGHT because my WEDDING RING has been stuck on my FINGER since 2021.

Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.

I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.

#goodplan

Me: “Your mum sucks.”

GF: “That’s not very nice.”

Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”

ME: You’re making me rock hard.

MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?

ME:

What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*Quicksand

What I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”

#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.

Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.

*putting fish sticks in a bowl

Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it

[First Date]

Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.

“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.

Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.

My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.

Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake

Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.

*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!

Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.

If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.

Saying it, is just words.

Forget about my body count. The list of women who *haven’t* slept with me is really impressive

Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.

Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.

Mortician: Please put that back.

Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.

[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf

Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.

Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.

You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.

Me: Don’t question my art.

Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”

So now I have a tombstone to select

WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”