Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
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Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
In the Target toy aisles-
“No, please put that back”
“I said we aren’t buying anything today”
“You already have dozens of Nerf guns at home!”
– and that’s just me to my husband
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
back-to-school photos but for parents showing how happy we are
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
WHY would you be happy about this?
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
who will stop them
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
This is a genius move
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
Ninja turtles from Italy have names like Dave or Randy
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra