Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: Whatchya thinking about?

Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.

ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?

*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*

It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.

I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.

[confessional]

me: father, gooey naan.

father: what’s gooey naan?

me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?

I hate when flies rub their disgusting little hands together… what could you possibly be plotting… you can’t even get out of the open window

“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level

“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next

well this is just bullshirt

DOG 911: What’s your emer-

DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT

DOG 911: He still holding it?

DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??

I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way

WORST THINGS ABOUT NOT BEING A DENTIST

4. Nobody asks me for my opinion about teeth
3. No idea where to buy a denist’s chair if I ever need one
2. Am not treated as an equal in the dentist community
1. Constantly being overlooked for the prestigious Dentist of the Year Award

Me: they’re my service bees

Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you

Me: they’re trained

A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.

Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.

Losing your spouse can be hard.

But it’s not impossible.

The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.

*job interview*

“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”

I quit

HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.

Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming

stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him

If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.

Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.

if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker

Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”

I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.

I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.

I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.

We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.