Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.

Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad

Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven

me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way

Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*

Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!

Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣

Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.

Nope, not until now, dude.

me: wheres the 13th floor?

builder: we skip it in all our buildings

me: what why

builder:

me:

builder: *embarrassed* too spooky

If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…

(Inventing bathroom stalls)

Guy: should the door touch the ground

Other guy: how would we see their shoes?

Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.

He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.

It is my birthday. 🥳

If you’re American, please vote

If you’re not American, marry me

I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.

When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow

[the clock strikes half past two]

dentist: my time has come

[costume party]
friend: you’re late

me, dressed as a sloth: sorry

Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.

Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?

I believe the children are our future.

But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.

[first day of zoology class]

me: what fighting style do geese use?

professor: excuse me?

me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese

professor: i don’t think-

me: tae swan do

doctor: there are two wolves inside of you

me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?

doctor: won’t we all, someday?

me: shouldn’t you know?

doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy

I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.

horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.

All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”

When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.

When’s dinner?

-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner

Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.

Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you

[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious

for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.

[In a cucumber submarine]

1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain

Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle