Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
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If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
“Theirye’re” problem solved
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
“Let them fake cake”
Marie Internette