Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
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People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”