Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
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I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
I just lived without power for 6 straight days. Hurricane Helene tricked me into camping for a week and I am not amused.
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
I’ve just told my doctor I have all the Monkey Pox symptoms. He asked me to swing by tomorrow.
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
My husband saw a rabbit in our yard eating grass and said “That would be like sitting in a field of french fries.”
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.