Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
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Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
!!!!!!!!!!!
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.