Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??

Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved

My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.

Donut: ….

Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them

Dog: can i eat this?

Me: no i was just-

Dog: [swallowing] thanks

Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.

Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?

I wish you were here with me baby

So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up

me: I’m having hearing issues

doctor: can you describe the symptoms?

me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield

I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..

Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.

I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.

“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.

I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel

Stop making fast and furious movies.

My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.

[grocery store]
Cashier: hi there

Customer: hello

Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol

“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me

me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??

I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.

But no, she’s still alive.

Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough

ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris

“Living well is the best revenge.”

Alexa, what is the second best revenge?

Most annoying times to be attacked by bees

3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit

Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.

I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”

You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.

Him: Are you ready?

Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.

Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?

Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.

I spoke to my husband earlier

He seemed quite nice