Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
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met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
Them: Grandpa, tell me about the 90’s
Me: Well, first of all, all the bizkits were limp
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
The wasps relocated from the grill to the patio umbrella. Someone needs to talk to them about their life choices but it’s not going to be me cause they can sting you over and over and My Girl you and then go on with their lives like nothing
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.