Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
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me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
“Taco Bell isn’t even good” Yeah I know. Sometimes the raccoon inside of me craves garbage. Leave me & my Crunchwrap alone
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
My kid has been collecting money she finds around the house for years, I was short some cash and she let me borrow some, as long as I repay her, so now I owe her money for borrowing my money. Is it too soon to enroll her in business school?
Oh, I bet you would be
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.