Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
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Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
cutting my arm off BEFORE going hiking so that the 127 hours thing doesn’t happen to me.
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
🤣🤣💀
bro my son keeps saying “in the 80s we used to…”
dude was born in 2018.
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*