Before I work on myself, does anyone like me unhinged
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[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
Me: [watching football]
Wife: [silently reading a book for three quarters of the game]
Announcer: That was a huge sack!
Wife: BAHAHAHA HUGE SACK
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
I get so cross when my 10yr old says I didn’t mean to do it after I tell her off about something. And then I remember that I said those exact words to my mum when I flooded the entire house when I was 14.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.