Before I work on myself, does anyone like me unhinged
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GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
secret recipe
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
I toss and turn in bed all night like a beautiful rotisserie chicken.
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
life finds a way
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
Doctor answering his door: sorry kid I ordered 100 but they sent me a 1000
Trick or treating teen: ewwww a stool sample kit!?!
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story