Before I work on myself, does anyone like me unhinged
You Might Also Like
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
Every time someone blocks you, you should lose a letter.
“Hlp! Whts hppnng? cn’t wrt nthng!”
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
the icebreaker
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
It was my idea to make parking meters unreadable when the sun is out. I don’t get any money out of it, but I’m proud of my contribution.