Before I work on myself, does anyone like me unhinged
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Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
True freaking story!
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
Before & after 😅
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that