Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Blocked: 1985

Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.

My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)

Me: are you mad at me?

Anakin: How do we get in?

Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.

*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*

“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have

When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.

The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.

Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT

My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.

A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.

I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.

We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption

I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.

Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.

Please send chickpeas.

Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?

Friend: yeah

Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?

Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes

I wish I lived in a swing state. I am really good at pumping my legs

Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.

Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it

I eat salads because you can’t just drink ranch dressing

If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.

I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.

[calling in sick]

BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?

ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure

Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.

if bears could make porridge the temperature would be like the last thing on my list of concerns

Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.

me: so i have an attention deficit.

psychologist: yes.

me: so i need to get more attention

psychologist: no.

Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.

Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.

My kids are watching Babe and my oldest asked “What happened to his mother” and I just slowly looked at the hotdog on his plate