Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?

god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again

A coworker just said she couldn’t change the printer ink because she’s very sensitive to electrodes(?) and didn’t have the right crystals to counteract(??)

My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.

I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.

Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”

*Explains in great detail on how it works*

“So do I need a computer for it?”

“I JUST…how’s your cat?”

*gives up being Catholic for Lent*

God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole

Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.

Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on

“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.

A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”

I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.

*hears Christmas carolers*

Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.

Customer spelling her name:

Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.

And this, kids, is why education is key.

The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that

Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again

8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”

Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.

If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.

this is not a scam

DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.

Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.

When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.

I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.

Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?

date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist

My 3yo just told me, wrathfully, “Well, if you won’t play with me then I’m gonna take a NAP on the COUCH!”

Ooooh. That’ll show me.

Do you know where my mexican hat is?

– It’s somewhere bro..

Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?

I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.

When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.

WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.