Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!

Brouhaha (noun): the feeling of joy upon discovering someone has made you a cup of tea.

Friendly reminder people are still stupid no matter who they vote for

Hey boy, are you a software update because not now

“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”

Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here

Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are

Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.

Him: We have made it completely idiot proof

Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that

Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]

“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.

Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.

*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.

“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*

Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.

Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money

Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?

Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?

I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.

-Every girl, ever.

The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.

WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children

ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you

My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?

FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.

Clock: oh shit, I am

Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast

Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:

Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas

Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no

[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard

Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.

ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?

Kids: [inside playing on their phones]

Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.

[3 minutes later]

Kids: [outside playing on their phones]

If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally

Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.

“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”