Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
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My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.