I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
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[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.