Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
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One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
I feel like not enough people are aware of how unhinged dunkin’s latest ad campaign is
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
I wear sunglasses when I’m driving so nobody knows I’m asleep.
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black