Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
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DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
Bloody internet 😳
It was my idea to make parking meters unreadable when the sun is out. I don’t get any money out of it, but I’m proud of my contribution.
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
I bet the guy who invented pants wasn’t even wearing any pants when he invented them.
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st