Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the run

Me on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments

I have a new favorite meme page

this meeting could have been a push down the stairs

All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall

Lean in

And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’

The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.

Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.

A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.

SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?

DRYER: rot in hell, pig

In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.

Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician

Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.

Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.

With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.

I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”

(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name

Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!

Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.

Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.

Me: No.

I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that

“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”

Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?

Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money

Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.

– Yoda does Hamlet

Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?

Quasimodo: I have a hunch.

Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?

I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.

when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair

The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.

Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?

My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me

I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.