Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.

It’s tough getting user casket reviews

I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?

My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave

going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason

¯_(ツ)_/¯

I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.

boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?

me: a little yes.

boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.

And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.

No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.

me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*

doctor: are u sexually active

me: no i just sort of lay there

I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.

My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.

Little does she know, her father is the prank master

Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.

accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl

As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.

It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.

[inventing facebook]

Everyone: My family isn’t racist.

Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha

wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you

me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife

wife: on your coke though?

Nobody:

Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family

4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door

me: oh wow that’s silly

4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.

me: wait, what?

Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha

My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat

Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”

First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.

i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign

Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.

It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”

Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.

Ma’am…

(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)

I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.