Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
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Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
Everyone tells me to take care, but no one tells me where they have kept it.
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-