Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
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Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”