Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.

My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.

paramedic: [shining light into my eyes] what’s the last thing you remember

me: the question you just asked

*goes back in time

*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know

Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”

The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”

How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”

Want followers? Tweet something funny.

Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.

Can’t say anything honest or funny?

Try Facebook.

It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.

All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.

New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.

😲 WTF? 😆

Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early

I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.

*falls on hard times*

Hard times: Get off me.

waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg

MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:

Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.

hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins

Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?

Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣

My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.

Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.

WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?

ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie

You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that

Harsh but true birthday card from my parents

I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet

My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.

My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.

I bought some Prevagen to improve memory, focus, and concentration. Now, where did I put it… I just had it a minute ago… Anyway, what was I saying?

Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.

Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.

Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.

My first rodeo and my last rodeo were the same rodeo.

how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.

Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene