Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
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I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny. It was my newt.
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
I go out of my way for people. Whenever I see people, I go “Out of my way!”
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
Passenger announcement: This is for a Mr Torris off the Barcelona flight, a Mr Clee Torris. I’m trying to find a Clee Torris. If anyone knows where a Clee Torris is, please let me knoCOLIN YOU BAST…
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?