Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
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[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
I’m literally crying
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
If you’re faking your own death don’t use Google. They always check your Google searches. Use Bing. That’s what it’s for man.
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
45% of divorces stem from $ issues.
45% are caused by infidelity.
The remaining 10% have been linked to IKEA purchases requiring assembly.
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
This motivates me more than any other cute quote or motivation pics! study cause u ugly
#getstudying #college
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
We loved to call random numbers and say “I think your dog is on my porch.” If we got somebody who said “I don’t have a dog” then we would yell I DON’T HAVE A PORCH and hang up.
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
My rock bottom keeps refreshing
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.