Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: *enters password*

COMPUTER: Weak and insecure

ME: No it’s not

COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine

Just had to take a urine sample to my GP and at reception they asked me “does the doctor know about this already”. No, no. I just brought a cup of my wee as a present. Please don’t spoil the surprise.

On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.

Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.

Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.

15: Ok

Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.

15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.

if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.

Sooo many times…..

Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.

“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire

Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.

It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.

Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.

Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.

Me: How much for the snake hamster?

Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret

ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?

LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*

After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.

Boss: What are you working on?
Me: Nothing. It’s Friday.
Boss:
Me:
Boss:
Me: I meant omg so much stuff.

What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?

Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.

british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?

british guy: tea

british waiter: jolly good choice

[both laugh britishingly]

Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom

What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?

unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)

Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades

Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this

How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?

There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.

Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”

Me: I have a lot of work to do.

Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait

son: will you come do flips with me on the trampoline?

me: you know I make a sound when I get off the couch, right?

Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?

Me: I use bad words

Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here

Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear

her: your costume is highly inappropriate

me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha

her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy

Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.