Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
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Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
Kids: Stay in school.
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
they should schedule doctor appts like
DOORS 8:15
Nurse 8:25
Doctor 8:40
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
🤣
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure