Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CONCERT

AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!

me: *at home* how was your day, how was school
my kid: *crickets*

me: *driving in heavy traffic*
my kid: who discovered infinity, what’s the capital of sri lanka, why do teenagers say skibidi rizz ohio, if jesus was born in year 0 was it year 1 just 6 days later

[runs inside of a gas station]

“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”

*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game

Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”

I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.

I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.

The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the

*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*

ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: They should call the receipt the cashier gives you a ‘buyography’ and the one from the self-checkouts an ‘autobuyography’.

HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’

good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*

If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.

Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?

I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.

Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down

[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages

[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*

the urge to pee in the morning is so aggressive bro , like chill we’re getting there 😭 don’t threaten to come out

My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.

When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.

Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”

Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.

Expect the unexporcupine.

Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!

“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.

‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms

Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?

I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.

Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.

I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.

Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.