Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
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Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
huge valentines day plans this year!!
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
Maybe we should all just live our lives in a way that won’t piss off Kendrick Lamar
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
My favorite part about wearing a romper is getting completely naked in public restrooms.
Can’t believe it’s 2024 and the only options napkin dispensers offer are one shredded napkin or 20 napkins.