Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A homeless man asked me for money. I had 10 dollars in my pocket and didn’t want it wasted on alcohol so I gave it to him.

“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate

Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp

Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?

Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!

Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth

Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth

Bishop: no

Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.

I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.

{batman walking downstairs}

“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”

[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]

There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.

Me: What do you want for your birthday?

12yo: I don’t know

Me, jokingly: Drugs?

12yo: Nah, too expensive

Me:

[restaurant]

DATE: [clears throat]

ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?

So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.

*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap

I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.

1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*

– Freezer Inspector –

(to the tune of We Will Rock You)

I feed my dog dog food

Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”

I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?

cellmate: how did you get here

me: i took the train

cellmate: no i mean what did you do

me: i just told you

someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything

I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.

When exactly does the strong part kick in?

they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon

I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life

Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floor

Banks, What’s exactly your problem 😭

[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again

“I do law stuff” – attorney general

“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific

Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.

Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.

Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?

My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes

I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one