Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Person: I like you

Me: *eyes narrow* Why

Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.

Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…

Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.

They have a budget of $430,000…

Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars

Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?

Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.

[in the driveway]

It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?

Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?

Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries

*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*

[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”

Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.

[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”

Haha no, he went to Disney World.

Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.

My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again

If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.

Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …

– First day of College
– Dorm meeting

Dorm monitor: Any questions guys?

Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??

Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?

Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?

This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.

I’m an over-explainer (I explain things too much)

Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.

Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.

Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!

if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats

I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke

When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.

Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.

Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.

If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…

The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.

Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?

Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”

Me: “No thank you.”

Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”

Me: “I’m in.”

ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.

God: Done

Angel: you can’t be finished

God: I am

Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-

God: aaand send

replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.