Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
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A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
I’m tired tomorrow.
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
Crazy to think during a small window of time that Shaq was 5’2”
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
Listen, when there’s a global outage of computer services and my workplace is entirely unaffected, it’s just really really unfair to me.
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*