Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
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When the world gets you down, always remember that only idiots get cheered up by cheap philosophical bullshit and you’re better than that.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
Vishnu bud you’re gonna want to sit down for this
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
me at the job i begged god for
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?