Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.

Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.

INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?

ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH

“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”

“He was putting on airs”.

firemen keep harvesting my cat tree

“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.

I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate

Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.

If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.

Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.

Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”

[playing checkers]

him: king me

me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate

I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.

My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.

*Dresses up as a large butter knife

Im a super spreader

Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.

Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*

Therapist: that’s not how this works

My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.

Legend 🤣🤣

Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it

Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.

Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”

Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE

wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what

I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.

Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry

Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.

Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home

Brownies: you lied

cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes

boxer: but there’s SO many eyes

mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*