Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
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Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
Fancy restaurants be like “This is technically toast, but we put fancy cheese and sprouts on it. That’ll be $30.”
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom