Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
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Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
Follow me for more fitness tips.
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
There’s a mirror on marketplace and the listing says “never used” like what do you mean???
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from