Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
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Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
decorating my apartment
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
neighbors are automatically creepy because they’re strangers who know where you live
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
I’m old, but I’m not against new music. Have you guys heard of The Police? They’re awesome
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
That’s a good costume, I hope.
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it