Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.

My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.

I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.

*logs onto Facebook*

*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*

*logs off forever*

“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On

Husband praying mantis: I have a headache

(watching the shower scene in Psycho) I’d kill for that water pressure

As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.

on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat

in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice

what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing

Me: Flirting is fun

Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.

Ok that baby hippo is adorable but how did 90% of my timeline become baby hippo overnight without me ever searching hippo content.

After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.

I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.

PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET

When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.

We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day

you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses

My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.

god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem

I get into bed.

Husband is already asleep.

I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.

Marriage is fun.

[Stick Insects Anonymous]

Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”

is the cheesecake factory menu on audible bc i’m not reading all that.

i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.

God: so you shoot them with the arrows

Cupid: yes

God: and then they fall in love

Cupid: right

God: with other compatible people

Cupid: uh well-

God: who will love them back

Cupid:

God:

Cupid: sure

Me: *typing on laptop*

My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*

Me: Aww. So sweet.

My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*

Me: Or not.

🍛

INSTRUCTIONS:

1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.

God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami

Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami

God: *loves boats* No

WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD

WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less