Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*

Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?

that would 100% work on me

I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.

I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.

Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.

for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.

A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.

Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?

Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!

[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]

she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face

Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro

Friend: I want a baby.

Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.

Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer

no one ever comes back

Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.

[job interview]

“What’s your biggest weakness?”

“My honesty”

“I don’t think-”

“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”

Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.

*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*

“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”

The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.

And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.

me: how was your day

5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!

Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..

People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.

neighbor: did you steal my trampoline

are robert

me:

accusations harmful

*gets called abnormal*

*checks for normal abs*

It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.

Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs

[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]

A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-

Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up

My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny