Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.

Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.

I can’t believe I used to talk to people.

Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly

“I Got a new dress for date night!”

Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*

“This is the garment bag you idiot”

I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.

When it’s my time, I need one of you to promise me you’ll put a motion detector on my headstone that yells out “ouch you’re stepping on my foot,” to anyone who gets close. Please and thank you.

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: Yes.

Netflix: Have you showered today?

Me: Um, I …

Netflix: And use soap this time.

I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.

me: eat this food

baby: never

me: the food is now an airplane

baby: “never” was a strong word

Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke

her: let’s make a baby

me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok

when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose

Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.

My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.

My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]

Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there

the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter

*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*

Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.

Killer: come out come out wherever you are

Me: *hiding*

Killer: omg what a cute puppy!

Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man

[first day as a judge]

ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!

GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe

My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.

Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.

If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.

If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.

The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.

I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.

A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.

me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]

Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.