Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 8yo ran inside and scooped up a huge handful of halloween candy to sell to the neighbor kids, and when I told him to just give them out, responded with: they can have the first one free, then they have to pay

me: we should tell our son he’s adopted

wife: but he isn’t

me: I know but I’m bored

Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.

me: what are you going to be when you grow up?

5: beautiful.

*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet

I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.

F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.

Me: speak for yourself

Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.

Happy Taco Tuesday

If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.

Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section

is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?

-first day at work, orientation question

my father died in a conga line and so shall i

[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful

*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*

*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*

Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.

I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.

*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says

Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.

To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!

so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?

… sounds better than tinder

Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.

Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper

I’m hunting wabbits.

Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.

Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.

Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”

Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go

It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.

[The shark attack sketch]

Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.

[fin]